10. Toucan Sam (Froot Loops)
Froot Loops mascot Toucan Sam “follows his nose” to sniff out hidden boxes of the sugary loops, which he collects and feeds to ferocious enemies. One bite turns them from cereal-stealing villians to friendly and ‘frooty’ allies.
9. Lucky (Lucky Charms)
After watching the entire Leprechaun film collection, taking Lucky’s gold is the last thing we want to try. Either play as an annoying kid that chases him and then rides his rainbow, or take control of Lucky as he goes on a murderous rampage, eating kids that had the audacity to swipe his Lucky Charms. After all, “They’re magically delicious.”
8. Dig ‘Em Frog (Honey Smacks)
The Honey Smacks game? Think Frogger with a hip-hop vibe, complete with Dig ‘Em the frog wearing a gold chain with a giant Honey Smack dangling off the end. Hackers eventually alter the game so Dig ‘Em always talks about needing more “smack.” Lawsuits ensue, and the cereal is banned from Wal-Mart and Target.
7. Sunny (Raisin Bran)
We could have sworn we spied Sunny in Super Mario Bros. 3, but we could be mistaken. Regardless, there’s something about controlling the sun that gets us all hot and bothered. Just consider the potential: you can turn up the heat and boil the Earth’s waters, consume space shuttles and kill unsuspecting creatures with your ultraviolet rays. Besides, since the sun’s been around for practically forever, this game has infinite replay value.
6. Sonny the Cuckoo Bird (Cocoa Puffs)
We’re not sure it’s wise to buy cereal from a cuckoo bird, especially one with those crazy eyes. On one hand, he’s a loveable mascot with a large bowl of chocolate. On the other, we have no idea what he may or may not have poured into that bowl. We’re sure there’s a video game in here somewhere.
5. Snap, Crackle and Pop (Rice Krispies, Cocoa Krispies)
For some folks, Snap, Crackle and Pop remind them of the familiar sound of Rice Krispies drenched in milk. To us, that’s what happens when you break someone’s arms and legs. Let’s forget the kiddies for a moment and imagine a game where these sweet and innocent dudes are hit men, hired by a shadowy organization that terrorizes people until they pay up. Kind of like the IRS, but cuter. And bearing cocoa.
4. Count Chocula (Count Chocula)
Considering we do whatever it takes to keep blood inside our bodies, we have no qualms with a vampire that craves chocolate cereal instead. Besides, he can always find work in one of Konami’s Castlevania games. Either that, or someone can make a Super Smash Bros. style fighter where he throws down with Boo Berry and Frankenberry.
3. Franken Berry (Franken Berry)
Move over Count Chocula. Franken Berry’s time has arrived, and the pink one’s first decision is to create a video game in his honor, perhaps one that involves him smashing into things and destroying enemies to feed sick children his cereal, thereby curing all known diseases.
2. Tony the Tiger (Frosted Flakes)
Now this is a character we can get behind, a spirited tiger that somehow puts aside his taste for human blood to peddle sugary wares. Forget about the fact that humans hunt his species unmercifully and trap them in cages. Tony is much too busy shoveling sweets into our mouths. Hmm…do we really know what’s in this stuff? We think he’s up to something.
1. Trix Rabbit (Trix)
Snot-nosed kids need to realize that the more they rob the Trix Rabbit of his cereal, the more they push him to a vicious psychotic meltdown. Suddenly, Trix decides he isn’t going to take it anymore, grabs an assault rifle and fills those brats’ bellies with something other than cereal. We foresee a first person shooter, powered by Unreal Engine 3.0. Headshots encouraged.
